The Trip North

My mind is wandering. It's hard to describe the feeling. I feel as though I'm thinking about a million things while at the same time my mind feels blank. No doubt lack of sleep has something to do with it. I woke up again at 5:30 after maybe four hours of sleep.

I'm sitting at the Burbank airport staring at the CNBC news bookstore. Maybe I should just write something to get my mind elsewhere I think. At least it'll make me concentrate on something.

I'm not particularly looking forward to this trip. It'll be good I know and seeing my uncle and aunt along with my mom would be gratifying. It'll also give me a chance to talk with my mom about her eyes now that it seems there's something more serious than cataracts which is at the cause of her eye problems.

I guess what's lingering on my mind is Grey. While I know she'll be okay, it still pains me to be away knowing to some degree how she's feeling. And I'm sure I'm not making it easy on her by telling her about my feelings towards her. But I'm not sure how to hold back--I have to constantly remind myself to give her the space she needs and not crowd her thoughts needlessly. She knows how I feel and the rest is just time. And most importantly, what's at stake is her health, as that impacts all things surrounding her life right now, and future.

But it became even harder to hold back my feelings about Grey after our conversation about her numerous ailments. As I mentioned to her I was really taken aback. I knew somehow about the seriousness of her many afflictions. I'm not sure how, but maybe it was as simple of listening to her over the course of our conversations and seeing her in the course of the past few years--especially the last months.

As with her I've thought with quite a bit of detail as what this means in terms of a relationship. There will be many limitations--both physically and from the standpoint of even spending time together. Grey mentioned that it may not be fair. While I realize to what she's referring, it's not a matter of fairness to me. For me, being with her is all I want. It's not about the possible limitations we might have in our relationship--but the quality of what we might have being together. If she only knew the effect she has on me. Not just the amorous feelings she evokes but the fact that more so than anybody else I've ever met, she make me want to be a better person--both for her and also for myself.

The boarding call sounds in the background. People are shuffling to ready for their boarding. Writing these thoughts puts my mind at ease. I hope it does for Grey also.

The gates open and I need to join my line. As I stand up I think how I'm about to leave the city where my love resides. I start counting the days when I can see her again.