The Wonderment of You: Afterglow

Somewhere on my journey from here to there, she changed my life forever.

I’ve often wondered how one person can so impact one’s life. Have I ever had that effect on another person? Funny how I never thought about that. I was always more preoccupied about how the other person changed mine.

Driving mindlessly I slipped in a CD. It was the CD she had made for me. As the first song played she came into my mind at full force. I pictured clearly how I held her the last day I saw her. I felt so close to her that night in my bedroom. Her standing, me sitting with my arms around her—my head burrowed between her chest as I inhaled her scent. What I wouldn’t do to relive that moment again.

I asked myself why the torture. At least stop it with the music. But as each song played, my four and a half hour journey became a recounting of the precious time I spent with her. As each song played I relished the lyrics, the choice and visualized her listening to the song as well. How much I had loved her. I told her often. She had that effect on me where I would be naked of all of my emotions.

She told me she loved me twice. Both times she would retract it. She also called me sweetheart twice. This she did not retract.

I’m so tired I thought. I wish I could just close my eyes and sleep a deep sleep. I spoke aloud and April joined in on the conversation. I saw her in the rear view mirror as she asked me why I was so tired. I told her that I was depleted of all energy. Yet I had to keep moving on. She was sympathetic. It was her nature to be. When I needed her most she would appear and her tender, soft, almost innocent temperament would soothe me.

Suddenly I woke up and was startled to see April at the foot of the bed. She was sitting there looking at me, smiling. I wasn’t sure if I were still dreaming. She asked me if I wanted some coffee. She said it in such a matter of fact way.

Still confused I couldn’t answer. Did I want some coffee she asked again. It was freshly brew she explained.

I stammered barely able to answer with a yes. My throat was parched. I felt as though I had been crying throughout the night. I felt exhausted.

I asked why she was here. She responded that she had a key. I couldn’t recall giving April a key. As if to read my mind she explained she had taken the spare the last time she was here. Again, it was all matter of fact.

April got up off the bed, confirmed that I took my coffee black and walked into the kitchen. Her voice trailed off as she mentioned how I knew she wasn’t much of a cook so I shouldn’t get my hopes up for breakfast.

Why was she here? But as I questioned, I was happy she was indeed here. I recalled we had agreed to go shopping, but I hadn’t really confirmed nor counted on it. Besides, I had a bad headache from being hung over. Funny, I hadn’t had any alcohol the prior evening. It just felt like a hangover.

April was quietly drinking her coffee. She had a demure quality to her. I wasn’t quite sure what to make of her. I had known her for a few years now. Attractive, smart, and she had a very upbeat part to her. I suppose those were the qualities that attracted me to her and kept us in touch over the years. Our relationship was more of a friendship, as our efforts to pursue anything further just didn’t happen. She was fun to be with and somehow I represented a safe haven to her when her emotions crumbled.

I met April through her brother while at Babson. We were both attending a two-year program for accelerated business practices through the company. It was a meant to be a tough curriculum and only one individual from each agency division was selected. I was the flunky that represented our agency; Hiro represented his firm’s Tokyo operations as the managing director. We hit it off immediately and when he learned of my background we become long lost friends.

During the first year’s session Hiro gave me April’s number and told me to call her when I got back. He explained how she could be a handful, but how I would like her and maybe we could go out to dinner sometime. Apparently she lived in West LA and owned a small, thriving boutique

What he didn’t explain was that April was an accomplished pianist by the time she was twelve. She had studied formally from the age of five and attended the Conservatoire National in Paris when her father was transferred from Osaka to Paris.

But somehow in her late 20’s her career derailed and she exited her music career and for some years wandering aimlessly. There was a short marriage to an American screenwriter, and after the divorce April settled in Los Angeles.

I’m not sure why our relationship didn’t flourish. It wasn’t so much that I couldn’t handle or deal with her emotional ups and downs, but she withdrew by writing her own tragedies and any momentum we had towards intimacy ceased to exist. While it was agonizing, I was fairly patient with her but at some point we both decided that we should just be friends.

I kept her brother informed sparingly but gave him the details whenever we got together. Her brother confided that April had always had issues with her emotions. It wasn’t depression, she overcompensated for what she was feeling and suddenly it consumed her. Whatever it is, I think it’s what kept her going with the piano. But one day, it just ended.

April’s brother once told me why he thought we would get along. He explained how we were both on the passive side and tended to overanalyze things and require clarification. I wasn’t sure if those were my good or bad traits. Not so much as an afterthought, he added that my easy-going demeanor would be a good match with his sister. He added how comfortable he would be knowing she was seeing a good guy that would care for her.

I was recalling that conversation with April’s brother as I quietly sipped my coffee. I asked her if she was serious about the shopping. She replied affirmative and was looking forward to spending the afternoon with me. Besides, she reminded me that the after Christmas sales were going on and I really could use a few new suits.

Besides April informed me, she was leaving for Osaka the next day.

Was there anything wrong I asked her? She replied that she just missed her family. It was almost New Year’s and she longed for spending time relaxing with loved ones. Besides, her brother would also be joining them and she hadn’t seen him in almost a year.

She also added how her brother was disappointed that I had turned down the job offer. She caught me by surprise. I had just turned it down the previous week. It was a good opportunity but it would have entailed a move.

April asked me why I turned it down. I explained how I had pursued it based on the fact that it was a Los Angeles based position. It turned out to be Chicago based. I explained to her that Chicago was out of the question. Besides, I couldn’t keep running away.

She asked me if I missed her. I wasn’t ready for this question. A lump formed in my throat. April saw my reaction and apologized. She did her best to change the subject. I couldn’t let go of the anger that was building inside of me. Why couldn’t she leave me alone I asked her. It was misdirected anger but I couldn’t help myself. The proverbial dam had broken.

The Wonderment of You: In My Life

What is your favorite?

I suppose it's a fairly innocent thing to ask a person. It's only natural to get a person talking about themselves. But it's something I rarely ask as it's a question I have a hard time answering myself.

Whether it's favorite cuisine, book, place to travel, it's a question I stumble to answer and hate to be asked because it's stifling to be cornered into one thing--imagine, of all the colors of this world, how can you choose one?

Oddly, there is one song that I can unequivocally call my favorite. It's not because it reminds me of any moment in my life or person but for some reason it's a song I can rarely listen without it striking an emotional cord. It's been several decades, cities, points of my life where this song has been with me.



There are places i'll remember
All my life though some have changed
Some forever not for better
Some have gone and some remain
All these places have their moments
With lovers and friends i still can recall
Some are dead and some are living
In my life i've loved them all

But of all these friends and lovers
There is no one compares with you
And these memories lose their meaning
When i think of love as something new
Though i know i'll never lose affection
For people and things that went before
I know i'll often stop and think about them
In my life i love you more

Though i know i'll never lose affection
For people and things that went before
I know i'll often stop and think about them
In my life i love you more
In my life i love you more